Intentional Parenting And Raising Happy Children: The Danish Way Of Parenting
“Happy kids grow up to be happy adults who raise happy kids, and so on.”
The Danes are consistently at the top of the list of happiest people in the world, and their secret? Upbringing. Research has shown that the Danish way of life and Danish parenting strategies yield happy, resilient children. In essence, happy homes produce happy children who become happy adults. The authors discussed that as they tried to pinpoint Danish philosophies of parenting, they realized that the practices were woven so tightly into the fabric of daily life and society that they were difficult to extract out. This point was very thought provoking for me as someone who is passionate about intentionality in parenting. The way they parented was so ingrained in their day to day and culture that it really became second nature for the Danes. Putting these methods into practice “takes practice, patience, resolve and awareness” and intentionality. Making conscious decisions about our actions and reactions is the first step in implementing the Danish way of parenting. We model behavior and build a learning environment for them and must therefore be dedicated to consistently trying to be the best versions of ourselves first.
There were so many amazing take aways from this month’s Hygge House Book Club book. For me, it is a book that I will read over and over again, while taking meticulous notes ;).The authors break down elements of the Danish parenting philosophy in an easily digestible acrostic, let’s review:
Play - Play, for the Danes, is essential to emotional and social success. Play teaches children to learn to cope with stress by helping kids to learn to adapt, be resilient and approach problems in a more flexible way. In Denmark, play is so valued that children do not attend school until later in order to allow for them to play and be children. Once they do enter school, play is still prioritized and woven into the education system. This Danish truth emphasized for me the importance of just being a kid and providing a childhood full of play for my children. I also thought about the importance of creating a space for play for our children in the home. This may be a playroom, a backyard, or bedroom intentionally designed to meet the needs for children to have independent play and learn to play well with others.
Authenticity - “The inner compass, an authentic self-esteem based on values becomes the most powerful guiding force in ones life.” This piece of parenting advice in very congruent with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, a psychological intervention which has the goal of moving towards valued behavior and increasing psychological flexibility. The approach places emphasis on identifying individual values and making value informed decisions. Allowing children to accept their authentic feelings and act in a way that is constant with their values is the beginning of helping them to live authentically. Growing up, my mom would say “feelings are never wrong.” Being able to identify and courageously follow authentic, value driven feelings is something that the Danes are taught to do from a young age. The freedom to be oneself is a strongly held belief in Denmark. They are taught from an early age that no matter what your talents are they are important to society and valued. Malene Rydahl, a Danish author, shared a story of a child that decided that he wanted to be a garbage man when he grew and that his mother was thrilled for him. I found this particularly interesting when focusing on how the Danes vs. Americans view “what it means to be good?” In Denmark, the main purpose of education is to develop the personality of the child, whatever they are naturally good at and authentically enjoy is valued by society. One is not rated as a superior human because they are good at math or science. It is important to reflect on what we place emphasis on and if children are praised for being themselves versus performing to standards that are widely accepted as “good” in our culture. Teaching children to focus on being their personal best self, rather than competing or comparing themselves with others, also helps them to live authentically.
Reframing - Reframing is key principle in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which holds that our cognitions (what we think) directly effects our behaviors. If we want to change behavior, we have to first address thinking patterns. I loved the example of a father using language to reframe the child’s reaction to a spider and help the child to have a perspective shift This chapter was gold! I could talk about it all, but I will focus on the dangers of labels. So much of what we think about ourselves as adults comes from the labeling we were given as children. It is important to separate who the child is from their actions. Children associate themselves with the labels of lazy, smart, hyper, etc. that they are given and draw identity conclusions from them. Labels stick and are very hard to get rid of. The language that we use matters and using the skill of reframing to place less importance on the negative and focus on the positive attributes that we do like in our children will help them have a healthy and more loving view of themselves.
Empathy - I’ve read this several times and I love the part that focuses on Brene Brown’s research on vulnerability and shame. So good and so important. But this time around I was intrigued by the statement that we are all wired for empathy, we just have to learn how to connect the wires to make it work. Parents are the primary example of empathy for their children and therefore what they experience in the home will dictate their empathy development. A child’s ability to empathize can be damaged if they are exposed to physical, psychological or sexual abuse within their families. In these circumstances, a child’s healthy boundaries are breached and their ability to feel for others impaired. When the people they are supposed to trust grossly mistreat them, they suffer an attachment trauma and will have their capacity for empathy significantly harmed. Having empathy and being able to understand the feelings of another is a critical life skill in creating caring relationships. The wiring of empathy is taught in the home. The words that we use and the way that we talk about others matters. Giving children the language to put themselves in someone else’s shoes fosters their ability to feel empathy and show kindness to others.
No Ultimatums - Many of us are aware of the four parenting styles and have read an article or two about the negative effects of spanking. But, choosing no ultimatums and instead “offering a way out” may be a new parenting strategy and a helpful takeaway from the book. Instead of giving the ultimatum of “Don’t do that! If you do that one more time, that’s it”, remove the child from the situation, distract them from the behavior, take away whatever is causing the problem. When problem behavior arises, we have to act appropriately and directly, in the moment. Children forget in an instant what they did. Spanking them an hour later once you have left the restaurant for misbehaving leaves them feeling confused, fearful and upset. This is not an effective practice for learning for the child or teaching children boundaries for behavior. I loved the story of the teacher who saw the good and potential in one of her rebellious and rambunctious students who had a difficult home life and how her kindness and concern for him gave him the narrative that he was good and could turn his life around. The ACES study is one worth looking up and familiarizing oneself with, but one of the most profound results from the study was that in spite of traumas in a child’s life, the single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver or other adult. This teacher, by separating the child from the behavior, treating him with respect, and extending kindness was possibly that one supportive adult in his life that made all the difference.
Togetherness - This chapter is all about Hygge! I listened to an interview with the author who discussed how in the US we talk about Hygge being candles, warm tea and fireplaces, but for the Danes, these elements of experiencing Hygge are just the way that they have grown up doing things. This means that for us, non- Danes trying to make Hygge happen in our homes and in our day to day lives, we have to realize that it is more of a psychological space and by choosing intentional practices of creating stress, anger, and negativity free environments, we are inviting Hygge. She said “Kids love to be with their families in a drama free environment.” That is, for me, the most important reason to care about Hygge. To create such an environment for your family to enjoy being together in.
I recommend listening to this interview with the author and this TED talk by Danish author Malene Rydahl, author of Happy as a Dane. Teaching and embodying these values takes courage, strength, and effort.
You got this!
The Hygge House
